Do you feel deep down like you agree to do too many things, but you don't know how to say no? Maybe you don't want others to think you're rude or unkind. You don't want them to think you're needy, demanding, difficult, or "high-maintenance." You don't want to let others down. You’re not alone. In fact, this is a more common phenomenon than you would believe. But even though setting boundaries may seem like an intimidating process, it really is extremely important for your continued emotional well-being. Setting boundaries can reduce stress, give you a sense of control, and give you a sense of freedom over your time.
Why are boundaries important?
At the beginning of our lives, we seek to belong and form connections with people. This is known as attachment. A feeling of being understood and having a secure base are among the positive outcomes of secure attachments. The second critical stage in development is separation and individuation. This is when we learn to distinguish ourselves from others. To achieve this, we develop a self-concept, become more independent and form boundaries on what we will accept or reject. These two stages are essential for healthy growth and development.
When you establish boundaries, you are able to pursue both these goals in a way that is most salient to your personal and individual needs. In fact, establishing boundaries also informs the people around you, including your loved ones, about how you would like to be interacted with, what you are willing to accept, and what you are not.
There are many personal benefits for you when you set boundaries. Healthy boundaries help you to:
Build greater self-esteem.
Get a clearer idea of what you want, what your values are, and what you believe in.
Bring your focus back to your needs and your well-being.
Stop engaging in harmful people-pleasing.
Attract healthier relationships.
Enhance your mental and emotional well-being.
Develop identity and independence.
Avoid facing burnout.
On the contrary, if you do not have strong boundaries, you will always be available to everyone – even if it is not for your benefit or in your best interest. People who do not have boundaries are most prone to attract toxic relationships, develop their own toxic patterns, and feel like a victim all the time.
What does setting healthy boundaries look like?
Setting healthy boundaries does not mean you don't care for those around you. On the contrary, it is a sure way of taking care of and nurturing yourself as well as others. By setting boundaries as limits, we can enable healing and growth. Healthy boundaries look like this:
Establishing healthy ground rules for your time and attention in relationships
Clearly defining your role in assisting others with their problems or issues.
Using appropriate disclosure strategies and depth of disclosure, based on the depth and length of various relationships.
Clearly articulating what is and isn’t acceptable so that you can say no without guilt.
Expressing feelings responsibly and allowing space for others to do the same.
Making expectations clear instead of assuming they are clear.
Are there different types of boundaries?
Well, yes there are! There are seven different types of boundaries, each of which corresponds to a different part of your life. These boundaries are:
Emotional: This entails clearly articulating how emotionally available you are to others.
Material: This entails setting rules for decisions regarding material exchange – such as giving or lending to others or making monetary decisions.
Internal: This entails self-regulation and setting limits on how much energy you are willing to expend on others, as opposed to how much of this energy you are willing to spend on yourself.
Conversational: This involves topics that you are not comfortable discussing.
Physical: This involves setting rules regarding your need for personal space, privacy, and your body.
Time: Setting time-based boundaries means explicitly stating how much time you are willing to spend with someone, or on a task.
Mental: This entails clearly articulating the freedom you need or expect for having your own thoughts, make your own choices, and honor your own values and opinions.
So how do you set healthy boundaries?
Creating healthy boundaries necessitates self-awareness and good communication. It means being clear about our expectations, of ourselves as well as others, and what we feel comfortable with in certain scenarios. Assertiveness is key here – it involves openly and respectfully voicing your thoughts, without making demands that others have to meet or which would make them uncomfortable. Establishing healthy boundaries also requires people to pay attention to their own needs and priorities, which is an essential part of taking care of oneself.
What happens if people do not respect your boundaries?
There are always chances that others may not respect your boundaries, or they may try to negotiate. While there can be some room for negotiation, depending on how you feel about it, compromising on your boundaries every too often will encourage others to walk all over you. Remember, boundaries are not only for you but for others too. While they keep you protected from unnecessary intrusion into your life, they also help you set other people’s expectations more accurately, so that your interactions are healthier, more meaningful, and more productive for you and others in your life.
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